Translated from a manuscript dated AD 450:

Personal Diary of Brother Gregory of Murrow, Church of the Wholly Intolerant Virgin

Only three months have passed since I arrived in this cursed, backwards land, and already I wish to be relieved of my duties. Everything about the village, called Kampoos by the savages, reeks of unholiness and filth. When I accepted Bishop Hagey's offer to come here I had hoped to make a difference in the lives of these pathetic creatures, perhaps to help them live a somewhat pious life and find salvation in the arms of the Virgin. But alas! I fear that any such aspirations that I may have had are for naught. These lowly beings are so fixed in their pagan beliefs such that no man, however devoted he may be, could ever hope to change their ways. Now, as I live among them in squalor and poverty, all I can hope to do is learn about their culture and pray to almighty Jebus for the strength and wisdom to save their souls.

The primitives have many names for themselves, though the meanings of most of these crude utterances escape me. While almost all call themselves Stoodints, some are also called oonda-graedueet or simply graedueet. My native informants tell me that oonda-graedueet translates into our language roughly as 'herds of cattle'. Alternately, if said by one of the tribal council members it instead means 'walking wallets'. Graedueet, on the other hand, means 'glutton for punishment' or 'second time around'. How one becomes either a graedueet or an oonda-graedueet eludes me. It is apparent that graedueets hold a higher rank in this society, though the oonda-graedueets treat them with contempt and offer little respect. One exception is the time of year known as xzamtine when select graedueets, referred to by the title tee-ays, are responsible for issuing judgment upon the oonda-greadueets for some ritual assembly called semanur. At this time, oonda-greadueets are said to be 'of brown nose' or to have 'lips on the graedueet's donkey', both enigmatic and perplexing images.

Some other names, likely of prominent clans, include Ainjeenears, Mawthays, Seaessurs and Arrtsees. Ainjeenears are often clad in leather garments, blackened with soot, the primitives say, from the divine forge of their dark subterranean god. This clan is greatly disliked by all except the Mawthays with whom they are apparently allied. Indeed the two clans worship many of the same gods including Aenstine, god of impossibly large hair, and Nootun, god of apple trees (?). Most pitied of the clans are the Seaessurs who, in emulation of their pale god Beelgayts, confine themselves to dark, solitary rooms, rarely eating and never washing. The natives say that both soap and direct sunlight are fatal to Seaessurs, an example of their irrational superstitious beliefs. Arrtsees, on the other hand, are a mixed lot, unremarkable and unthreatening. One of their sub-clans, the Unthroo-mayjurs, are the least offensive and thus I believe them to be most promising for study and, potentially, salvation. To learn more about the beliefs of the Unthroo-mayjurs I resolved to join them for one of their pagan celebrations. Perhaps I may discover something about their backwards religion that could help me in their conversion to the almighty and only true god, Jebus.

The natives call this particular celebration poobkral, which was translated by my informants to mean 'like a fish'. I am not sure exactly what the connection is between the poobcral and fish, though I think it might be related to the custom of wearing elaborate costumes to the festival. Although I did not see any natives dressed as fish, there was a myriad of other hideous, unholy disguises that caught my attention. Each one was crudely constructed from local materials and assembled haphazardly, barely equal in quality to that which a civilized child could fashion. Yet, why should we expect anything more from such a barbaric culture? One can not help but feel pity for these creatures who not only lack the salvation of Jebus but are also bereft of even the most rudimentary artistic talent. I shall discuss the costumes in more detail later, but for the moment let me describe the organization of the festival. It is celebrated in honour of the great twin gods Prukrastenayshun and Enybreeayshun. Even though this time of year entails great responsibility for Unthroo-mayjurs, they still consider the poobkral important enough to forego their usual work and venerate their most beloved gods. Prukrastenayshun, depicted in native art as a square with two oblique lines emanating from its top, bestows peace of mind and tranquility to his followers. Enybreeayshun, on the other hand, has two opposing qualities, one male and one female, and resembles a striped gourd in native art. The male half of the god, often ignored by the natives, causes violent illness to those who do not pay him proper respect. The female half, sometimes called by the separate name beyrgh'ogles, is a goddess of human fertility. From what my informants have told me, the Unthroo-mayjurs seek to propitiate their gods by emulating them in sacred rites, just as the Seaessurs imitate Beelgayts. Gods of such confusing and vague nature are obviously fictionous and clearly inferior in all ways to Jebus.

 

-= End Issue I =-